


think that this is love but it feels just like helplessness

by thompsonitis



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 14:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3532472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thompsonitis/pseuds/thompsonitis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Glimpses into a life  where Yukio is the demon, and Rin is the human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	think that this is love but it feels just like helplessness

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Avoidance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/271999) by [purplekitte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplekitte/pseuds/purplekitte). 



> I have not read Ao No Exorcist in the longest time, and haven't written anything for it for a long time either. So, this is probably going to be my first and last contribution to this fandom. This is similar to purplekitte's Avoidance in that Yukio is the one dealing with being a demon. (And he's in love with his brother.)
> 
> Finally, the title comes from Daphne Gottlieb's [everything that she asks of me](http://www.daphnegottlieb.com/poems/everything_she_asks_of_me.html).

Yukio is born surrounded by blue flames; the colour of trust, loyalty and wisdom to some, the colour of fear to others. Usually it depended on how ignorant a person was.

His older twin brother, however, is a completely normal human. If he can see the demons of spirits that haunt Assiah, then he does not show it.

Yukio is sometimes envious of his brother, carefree that he is. While Yukio slips out of his bed at night to accompany his father to a shooting range, Rin sleeps soundly in his bed. During the day when they are going to school, Rin does not look at the coal tars that float in the wind and wonder if they're an omen.

The envy comes only sometimes though.

Most of the time Yukio loves his older brother: Rin protects him from the bullies at school that Yukio can't lift a finger against, lest he hurt them. Rin encourages him to do what he likes. Most importantly, Rin always, always hugs him without Yukio having to ask first, unafraid of Yukio's not all that great control over his demonic strength. Rin doesn't even know there's anything wrong with Yukio - a mix of brotherly obligation and affection is what ties him to Yukio, lets him ignore the abnormalities of his twin. Or maybe Rin is stupid enough not to care.

So most of the times, Yukio likes being around Rin. He likes being the at the focus of someone's happiness for once, when everyone else sneers at him for being a half demon or weird.

(Exorcists know that he's a half demon. They don't know he's Satan's son. He think that if they did, he'd be dead already.

Ironically, it's the people that don't know about demons that call him the 'son of the devil,' mostly because of a rumor that started when he accidentally sent a classmate to the hospital when he was younger. They don't know that they're right.

It hurts anyway.)

But as much as he loves his brother, he can't help but grow distant as they grow older.

Rin grows unexpectedly more vibrant as he ages, all wide, sunny grins and gentle hands. Yukio watches as his brother's shoulders broaden, as Rin's limbs turn from stick-like to well toned. Even if Rin doesn't grow much taller, Yukio can see the beginnings of a healthy attractive body, set with the kind and playful face of his brother. He's sure that a lot of people will find themselves looking at Rin when they're older; he's sure because he already does.

Yukio often finds his eyes tracing over the curve of his brother's neck.

(They stop taking baths together.)

(Yukio feels guilty, for more reasons than one.)

In contrast to Rin, Yukio feels stagnant.

He is the same as ever - perhaps stronger, perhaps more competent, but still the small, scared boy that stepped into the world of Exorcists to protect a brother that wouldn't even know.

Rin would never know, simply because Yukio decided that Rin would be happier this way, without knowing of the creatures that bump in the night. Without knowing his brother was one of those creatures. After all, Rin is happiest when he thinks everyone is safe at home, and Lord help him, but Yukio would _die_ for Rin's smile.

What Yukio doesn't calculate is the actions of those he can't control.

Astaroth is not an entirely new enemy. Perhaps Yukio should have realised that old enemies could always change tactics, but he destroys him in the end. Just not before Rin was hurt, not before Father Fujimoto died, and not before Kurikara was drawn and his blue flames burst back into existence.

His new appendages feel both natural and unnatural, his fire leaves him warm and fills him with cold dread. In the mirror, he sees himself as he truly is: Okumura Yukio, son of Fujimoto, son of Satan. Brother, love-sick idiot, potential killer. A mess of contradictions that form his foundations; now visible to those who matter the most, hidden beneath a thin veneer to the rest.

But, unexpectedly, Rin sees, and he stays.

Stays with him at True Cross. Stays with him when Yukio staggers into their dorm room in the middle of the night after hard missions, bloody and almost broken. Stays when the ExWires find out about Yukio's heritage and take it upon themselves to warn Rin, to try and keep Rin away from Yukio.

He remains - a bright warm place for Yukio to return to, when he's exhausted to his core.

("I'm dangerous," Yukio cautions.

Rin rolls his eyes. "You're as dangerous to me as Mister Hobbs," he says, referring to the injured hobogoblin that he had taken in and kept as a pet, despite Yukio's protests. It was a stupid decision of Rin's, to take in stray demons that could hurt him like Mister Hobbs. Like Yukio.

"Nii-san," Yukio says. "What Suguro-san and the others said. Aren't you the least bit worried that it's true?" His tail lashes behind him, a flash of dark blue. The chair next to him is almost knocked over. Kuro yowls in annoyance. The cat demon jumps down from the chair, makes a face at Yukio, and wanders off to another part of the dorm. Yukio ignores him.

Rin takes a sip of the soup he's making and hums, frowning thoughtfully at the pot. "Nope," he says, then turns to Yukio with a spoon in his hand, waving it in Yukio's face with a toothy grin. "Now - what do you think? Too salty?"

Yukio sighs, but tastes the broth, a hand carefully wrapped around Rin's to hold the spoon steady as he sips. His tail's stiffness eases, then curls in relish from the warmth of Rin's hand in his. "It's fine, Nii-san."

Rin's grin widens further, and he turns back to the stove. "Only fine?" Rin whines, trying to annoy Yukio. Yukio watches with a blank face as Rin continues stirring the pot.

"Rin," he says, waiting until Rin turns back to him with a curious expression. "Perfect." He says, entirely serious as he looks Rin in the eyes, searching, longing, but content enough to live.

Rin does not understand, at least, he doesn't understand the true meaning behind Yukio's words, but he smiles anyway.)

(Yukio remains the same, for the most part.

Rin stays.)

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on [tumblr](http://thompsonitis.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
